My Facebook Friends…

…Disney World and a tongue-in-cheek look at the role one man’s Facebook friends and Disney could possibly play in his cremation and trip to the after-life.

Let me start out by assuring anyone who cares…

I am not dying, at least that’s what the doctor told me at my last check-up. I’m not even sick…that I know of, although as I’m writing this I am fighting a nasty little cold.

However, without trying to be too morbid, I thought this might be a good time to take a look at my current state of affairs…being of somewhat sound mind and…well, we’ll skip the body part.

Most of my affairs are in order…a will, life insurance, enough to pay off the house and the vacation club with some left over so those left behind can have some fun, and finally, the cost of whatever send-off my family feels I’ve earned. About the only thing left is to decide where I end up. Location, location, location. More on that later in the post.

Now if we believe that Facebook is a microcosm of our place in society…could it then also be a predictor of who will be there with us…you know, at the end of it all.

Let me start by saying that my Facebook identification is a sockpuppet. Or, am I a sockpuppet? Who knows? Generation Y’ers and their urban dictionary terms. I chose my I.D. simply as a tribute to my family pet. Nothing more, nothing less. Is it any different than someone who has an account but uses a different profile picture? Aren’t you also hiding your true identity? Enough said…moving on.

So if Facebook is a true snapshot of who I am…it appears I am overflowing with all of 12 friends. And if I were to really crunch the numbers you would see that it’s not even an extremely diverse group. For the record…

…there are 2 family members…there are 2 friends of a family member who I wouldn’t even know if not for said family member…4 friends from my son’s days in scoutingand 4 who I know from work. Sure, is there more, would there be more who show up for my send-off and a post soiree? Probably…there’s always more family members who might come out of respect for the left behind…but that’s more of an obligation than a friend thing. If I were a betting man, which at that point it would be obvious to all…I no longer would be, having gone all in and lost…I’m guessing the left behind members of my family would draw a bigger crowd of their own friends than the definitely departed. The folks I know are more of a “Let’s just go to the reception and skip the wedding crowd.” (A note to my wife here…save the cheap ham and Velveeta Cheese and those little packs of mayo you get from the Wawa for this crowd…oh and the RC Cola too, one can only though.)

So where exactly does that leave the former me? I would hate to take the chance of having any kind of a service that wouldn’t draw enough people to carry me out of the church for my final ride. And as my Facebook account stands today, they might have to grab some neighborhood kids to help with that. Or maybe even check Craig’s List for some help…just be careful because there’s some real weirdos on that site. Anyway, no worries…there should be enough money left over from insurance to cover the cost of hiring anyone.

And if I can circle back to my earlier thought on location. The plan is for the wife and I to spend our twilight years in Florida, maybe working part-time for our favorite publicly traded company… Disney. That and to eat out every night. Doing that however will probably reduce even further my number of Facebook friends who might come for my final big day. (Honey…if anyone from PA decides to come, let them use the time share for a couple of days). With most of my internet friends probably unwilling, uncaring or just not able to combine a short Disney vacation with my final adieu, the outcome is now clear…at least to me…

cremation! There’s no sense in using up good real estate just to drop an over-priced box with decaying old me in a deep hole. And let’s be honest here…if you believe that only my spirit will enjoy my after-life in Hea…wherever…then by all means, take what parts can still be used and flame-broil the rest. Ashes to ashes…dust to dust and all that. The only decisions to be made are where I end up,what I end up in, and how many people would like a take-home keepsake to remember the event. To make things easier for my family I was able to locate some options for them to consider…

I know what you’re thinking…isn’t that the Stanley Cup? And aren’t those contact lense cases? It is and they are. Are they somewhat garish? Yeah, probably, but I like them, and it is final my wish after all. Assuming I’ve made it to my retirement place in sunny Florida, I’d also like to have some of me spread around in my favorite places. Again, I’ve provided some options…

Anyone who knows me…and there are so few, knows I love 2 things…vacations at Disney World and a really good conspiracy theory. If you notice the top 2 photos, one is from The American Experience in Epcot and the other from The Hall of Presidents in the Magic Kingdom. The conspiracy?…

I would like to be put into these shows. That’s why I need maybe a rogue employee (more of a prankster or a scamp) who can place me into…

  • the jacket pocket of Teddy Roosevelt in The Hall of Presidents and…
  • the jacket pocket of Mark Twain or Ben Franklin in the American Experience.

Obviously it would take multiple people to pull this off, giving birth to the conspiracy. My wife can provide the late me, lovingly(?) packed in 2 of the colorful contact lenseimage cases as shown above. If they’ve been able to hide Jimmy Hoffa for all of these years, how hard can this be? My wife is extremely trustworthy, and I obviously won’t be talking, so former or current Disney employee, it will be up to you to recruit anyone you need to execute the deed. So…

anyone have a guy who knows a guy?

And finally…part of my preparation for the hereafter will be changing my dietary needs ahead of a possible oncoming zombie apocalypse. We can’t just ignore it…it’s the elephant in the room. So, I have chosen to become…VEGAN! That’s right…veganism. A non-meat eating, lactose intolerant zombie you can feel safe to be around! A zombie to ride Space Mountain or see The Festival of the Lion King Show with. Just a walker…not a biter. Should an apocalypse occur before I make it to Florida…and you see me…heading north…TURN ME AROUND AND POINT ME SOUTH! And no pointing me in the wrong direction or taping a KICK ME sign on my back, or dressing me up in weird clothing for your own amusement. Don’t be that guy!






2 thoughts on “My Facebook Friends…”

  1. As long as its a Monday I can have 4 drivers bring their handtrucks and wheel you out in the casket, granted its probably lighter than most of the stuff we get daily.


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